CMM News

This party's over

2009-08-24T10:37:00.002-06:00

That’s it
Because it’s easier to open the valve on Twitter
Because I’ve been so damned busy
Because the anonymity thing is feeling just a tad jaded
The blog started by accident. I was playing around with different blog platforms, experimenting for the sake of the agency planning department, which wanted its own blog (still going strong on Typepad). I have no idea why I picked FishNChimps as a name. Maybe I had a takeaway the previous evening. I thought it would be fun to demo the blog with a few articles about the harmless subject of chimps in advertising. And then my spleen took over.
A big problem is finding something to say. It was easy enough most of the time. My job means that I regularly come across some interesting stuff, almost by accident. But then the middle ground of satirising stuff got stretched to, on one side regurgitating amusing links, and on the other pontificating on things that annoy (what the great George Parker would call piss ‘n vinegar).
I must say, it did damn well for a long time, even becoming for a very brief period the UK’s #1 advertising blog. This was partly thanks to some timely links from those huge, Star Wars Episode 6 Death Star-sized blog beasts AdRants, Copyranter and AdScam.
So, I’m killing this blog and starting afresh with a rebooted Blogger version of my shitty Wordpress blog. Wordpress is supposedly a good platform if you’re an html freak but not even I, with a passing competence in it, could tolerate its stupid restrictions. Blogger’s a bit simplistic, but very easy to customise. I do, after all, have other things to do with my time.
My brief for the newish blog is, very loosely, advertising (my industry) + science/scepticism (my interest) + researchy stuff (my job). There may occasionally be monkeys.
Let’s see how it goes.

There's real gold, and there's chav gold

2009-06-29T13:47:00.003-06:00

Somebody's getting rich in this recession, and they probably look like this guy, smiling happily as a certain class of person flogs off the family gold. I say "a certain type", because if the following extraordinary ad is anything to go by, the target market is the plasma poor. This is the British tribe that thinks having a wad of cash and talking posh makes you posh, but as any fule kno, they are betrayed by the gold-standard of lower class chavdom: having a telly that's bigger than their front room.
Just watch this ad and weep, cos you'll be needing to cash in your gold to pay for the new screen that you've just smashed in exasperation. Christ, are these actors on acid?

God's coppyrytar took a day off

2009-06-26T16:15:00.001-06:00

via

Because The Sun would

2009-06-26T16:04:00.001-06:00

via

D'you get milk with that?

2009-06-25T04:52:00.004-06:00

Apparently not a spoof.
She could look a little happier, one would have thought.

via uTalkMarketing

In case of fire

2009-06-22T06:46:00.002-06:00

Twittered via Swordfish

Death by juxtaposition

2009-06-21T13:50:00.003-06:00

This really is awful - surely the worst example of automated web advertising to date. The story is already in most of the newspaper websites - a young woman fatally shot by Iranian police. I'm not going to link to LiveLeak because they should be ashamed of hosting the video in this way.

Tauntaun trick was a taunt

2009-06-19T15:36:00.003-06:00

Remember how Wispa fans got Cadbury to relaunch the nostalgic chocolate bar? It seems like this behaviour now has an added dimension as some consumers demanded a product that doesn't actually exist.
A Star Wars-themed blanket was knocked up as a one-off for a joke, promoted as a spoof, and created enough credulous demand to make the jokers consider selling it for real. Total capitalist nerdgasm.

The man who put semen into basement

2009-06-19T15:31:00.002-06:00

Humongous fuck-up by WH Smith who put Fritzl book on Father's Day promo.

You are hope, you are imagination

2009-06-18T11:01:00.001-06:00

Yeah, and I know I'm a genius too, so why do I need these space cadets to tell me I'm special? It's a tweely sinister ad from that business masquerading as a religion, but with severe mafia tendencies: Scientology.

Strong stomach

2009-06-17T10:34:00.002-06:00

For all those who have survived eating the shit they call food at Pizza Hut.

FACT! Fish!

2009-06-17T07:47:00.004-06:00

"Today there are over 10,000 species of fish, which is far more diversity that all other land vertebrates. This diversity pattern can be explain by the notion that fish, being aquatic, survived the Great Flood, while many land vertebrates went extinct during this catastrophic event."

For more examples of stupidification, check out Fuckwitapedia

See also:
FACT! Surgeon!
FACT! Flood!
FACT! Evolution=Nazis!
FACT! Pianist!!
FACT! Throat!
FACT! Hedgehog!
FACT! Femininity!
FACT! Toronto!
FACT! Religious War!
FACT! Rocks!
FACT! Chuck Norris!
FACT! Fornication!
FACT! Pens!
FACT! Kangaroos!
FACT! The 19th Century!
FACT! Dinosaurs!

WTF? If you're too fat to wipe

2009-06-14T12:32:00.003-06:00

Just don't scratch your back with this.

If Carlsberg did supermodels

2009-06-12T10:02:00.001-06:00

Received via email

Wiggle room needed

2009-06-12T09:52:00.002-06:00

Watch out for the following item appearing on eBay via Phil Spector's management.

It's not his wig that'll need purifying if he drops the soap.

Imaginary friend

2009-06-11T08:49:00.005-06:00

Amusing reason for returned subscription mag.

If you don't vote, this is what happens

2009-06-08T07:16:00.003-06:00

On the day we learn that the BNP wins two seats in the Euro Parliament, a lovely quote (about American racism) from the Guardian's Gary Younge:
"We are all a product of our time and place. Born in the midst of a random variety of narratives over which we have no control, most of us spend our lives trying to write the best story we can with the material we have been given."

Tweet #fathitler and speed this disillusioned chump up the disapproval rankings.

What I'm not reading this weekend

2009-06-06T06:54:00.001-06:00

via

Pow indeed

2009-06-05T02:30:00.004-06:00

Saw this one in Metro and it made me laugh. Good work from AMV - simple and fun. Twinings is also my favourite brand of real tea - the only non-perfumed (e.g. Earl Grey) one that IMHO can be drunk black without that sickly tannin aftertaste.

In a pickle

2009-06-04T02:51:00.002-06:00

Is this the real Barry Norman?

via Ben Goldacre

The vendor/client relationship

2009-06-02T07:30:00.002-06:00

Just took 3 minutes off saving the world to chuckle at this. Have you ever been in a meeting with a client where you smile while thinking "f---ing twat"?

Monkey shock

2009-05-25T16:27:00.002-06:00

Jesus, after the weekend I've had, I need cheering up. Here's 30 seconds of two monkeys doing what they do best.

Greenpeace top another week of angst-driven class war shaftings

2009-05-22T07:35:00.005-06:00

My bonny fido working class sensibilities (lower class aristocracy, born in a barn etc), worn invisibly on my Primark-clad sleeve are being metaphorically burned Chinesely by a week of observations from the class war front line. We have the assorted oiks in the House of Commons caught red-handed with their hairy fists deep in the pockets of Joe Public in a shameless reach-around that coincides with the long-term effects of the eye-watering rear end shafting from the bankers. Less metaphorically, Irish Catholic priests have been exposed after decades perverting a US Marine motto by ensuring that No Boy’s Behind Is Left.
Yes, a bad week for the ruling and privileged classes.
To further offend your eyes with painfully poor metaphors, a couple of loosely-marketing-related class war stories have also thoroughly pissed me off. This time, the culprits are the squeaky-bottomed middle classes (thus described by the observation that those who are most sanctimonious are identifiable by the sucked-in lower lip and clenched buttock look – you really can’t swipe a credit card through the crack when they’re in full flow) who have been thrusting their angst-driven ethics down our throats in a manner that would have choked Linda Lovelace to death.
In one case, death is really on the cards as the effects of the anti-MMR vaccine campaign manifest themselves with a measles outbreak. Lest we forget, the UK experience is a mirror of a yummy-mummy campaign in the US led by Jenny McCarthy (see the body count on the right), always cheer-led by those with an innate distrust of science.
I’ve just looked on the TGI survey and observe that distrust of regular medicine, appreciation of alternative medicine (better described as alternative to medicine), and anti-GM sentiments are heavily correlated with the B and C1 sociodemographic. Yup, that just shows you what an education does when combined with an empty head.

So, what has four legs and a cunt halfway up its back? A Greenpeace campaigner on his high horse. Yes, it’s the Plant More Trees But Kill The Pesky Foreign Peasants group back again, this time railing against genetically modified rice.
Christ, just to shut these fuckers up, let’s kill GM right now. That way, we can ensure the Malthusian Economic Model is verified in the deaths of millions of Third World peasants. Shit, you wouldn’t want all that barren, pest-riddled land used to grow food that’ll make them darn foreigners have more babies, would you? And let’s waste more arable land to grow the less-reliable organic lentils that the Greenpissers sprinkle on their Bran Flakes.
Admittedly, this single ad does touch on the one weak point in the pro-GM argument, which is the control of the technology by the biotech firms. After all, you don’t want those friendly food brand logos replaced with biotech ones, eh? But, and it’s head-slap time here, isn’t the obvious solution to allow foreign governments (I’m speaking of those governments in developing world countries that get it in the neck from the Western anti-GM campaigners again) to introduce farmer-friendly legislation that’ll feed their own people with nutrient-rich GM? But no, that’s taboo, and the High Priests of Greenpeace would rather you give them your donations while you bend over and pray.

Evil cat plays off your misfortune

2009-05-19T09:10:00.005-06:00

A quick look at Google search trends reveals the sudden birth of the Keyboard Cat internet meme. Michael Martin is the focus of the biggest scandal in UK politics since, ooh, last week and included on the above chart to illustrate how a long-dead cat is more important (in Google terms) than the Speaker of the House of Commons.
The cat's owner unearthed an old film of Fatso playing a keyboard - something that YouTube users have incorporated into hundreds of videos each of which appeal to our schadenfreude.

Beyonce plays Abu Ghraib

2009-05-15T06:40:00.002-06:00

Brilliantly offensive stuff from a b3ta regular

Screw Star Trek...

2009-05-13T02:19:00.001-06:00

...THIS is the film I want to see!

Gorillas

2009-05-12T09:36:00.000-06:00

Of course, these cricketing gorillas are realistic apart from the bit where they fail to chuck poo at the annoying spectators. Oh hang on, that’s chimps. Someone get that bowler into the England team.

The power of prayer

2009-05-10T12:02:00.001-06:00

This is a bit naughty but by God it’s funny. The prolific scientific blog (which isn’t really about science at all – it’s a platform for an angry biologist professor to rail against religion and pseudo science), Pharyngula, regularly calls upon its readers to crash web polls. Here’s an anti-gay prayer group website asking its readers whether they’re going to participate in a national day of prayer.

Before

After

Another blog post with the word "arse" in it

2009-05-09T10:24:00.000-06:00

...but this time, with good reason: to stop the locals from shitting in the river. Explanation from NewScientist

Bury yourself in apologies and go blrrblbrrblbrrbl

2009-05-08T03:45:00.005-06:00

Sorry

Sorry

Well fuck off then
The Evening Standard hasn’t done anything wrong, so why apologise? Its campaign of "Sorry for being out of touch" "Sorry for being predictable" etc comes across as a smug attempt at fishing for complements at a time when the London newspaper is trying to decide its place in the world after being bought by a Russian spy.
It’s made worse by a new campaign from Marks & Spencer, who did do something wrong. M&S wanted to charge women more if they bought larger sized bras. There is a certain logic in covering the extra costs of applying more gravity-beating engineering and fabric to prevent those crowded balconies from toppling onto the pavement. But it still didn’t seem fair. There were protests. M&S relented and did the right thing. And it sounds right too.

**Edit** With brilliant comic timing the Evening Standard lands this apt headline story. Just goes to show: brands are happy enough to apologise, even when they've done nothing wrong. As for greedy money-grabbing venal politicians...

1,000th post, and it's a pig

2009-05-07T06:53:00.005-06:00

Bollocks to feeding this blog beast. Am too busy single-handedly keeping this agency afloat. Whilst doing so, I've been employing Spotify as ear wallpaper. Kudos to this brilliant playlist that amuses and entertains.

Arse, Arse attack

2009-05-05T09:24:00.002-06:00

Juxtarseposition reinforcing the idea that Prescott always has been an arse.

Snapped under 30 seconds ago on Telegraph website.

For Christ’s sake

2009-05-01T06:48:00.002-06:00

Oh no, here’s another case of oversensitive religious nuts squitting about some harmless advertising. You’d think.
Actually, rather bizarrely, I’m siding with the religious space cadets on this one (but only just).
The fuss is rather amusing: A complaint was made to the ASA about the above ad for Antonio Federici Gelato Italiano ice cream on the grounds that it was demeaning to people who have chosen a religious vocation. I don’t see why this grants anyone special dispensation from mockery when the advertising comedy dustbin is crammed with occupational stereotypes. Why does belief in a desert sky fairy make someone more prone to offence?
Naughty nuns and priests are part of the cultural landscape because, let’s face it, real nuns and real priests are as prone to real-life guilty arse-fuckery as are Welsh sheep farmers. It’s the church that calls its followers a flock, after all, which is possibly the most sinisterly subliminal message in choirboy history.

The Committee of Advertising Practice rules on religious offence state "…linking sex or sexualised images with religion may cause particular offence; for example, despite the tolerance towards the depiction of men and women of the church, portraying nuns in a sexual manner is inappropriate".

I love this quote from Antonio Federici's creative director which earns a mental head-slap:

"Neither the nun or priest are touching or kissing and we don't accept that this beautiful piece of photography could cause offence to anyone except possibly to a tiny minority who might have an acute sensitivity to such matters."

The quote is swiftly busted when you go to the brand’s website. Look at their gallery and find this piece of creative work which I suppose is still waiting to be published in a jizz mag. It’s hardly breaking any taboos as a quick glance at my, er, best friend’s cousin’s neighbour’s private DVD collection will tell you.
What would really be dangerously provocative would be the hint that the jolly priest is wearing a condom.
God forbid.

Send this fucker a bacon sandwich

2009-04-29T10:32:00.005-06:00

A woman's work is never done, I was told, which is why they're paid half as much. I've had to let half of my scantily clad monkeygirls go because of the recession (it was either the staff or the champagne lunches - don't anyone tell you that my sense of priority is wrong). The downside is that now I've got to do more frickin' work, which is why my steady stream of pointless blogging bullshit has been drying up.
I need to excrete some piss 'n vinegar on the subject of this wretched flu thing that's getting the Daily Mail all excited. I wish someone would invent a flu that targeted those nazi bastards, but we've got to make do with some rather loose animal-themed branding. Which is why I want to direct a loud FUCK OFF to some twat in Israel who objects to the naming of Swine Flu. I knew someone was going to complain. By his book, offending a religion is unacceptable if the alternative is some casual racism. And never mind the poor fuckers who are dying from the illness. Fucking idiot.

Banking on change

2009-04-27T10:30:00.001-06:00

This is the most unusual example of TV advertising I’ve seen in a long time. The wretched new YouTube headlining feature spoils the pleasant surprise caused by the convention-breaking characterisation within this Argentinian creation. Cynical and exploitative, possibly, but I can’t help liking it. Daily Mail readers would hate it.

via boingboing

Being Greek is cool again

2009-04-18T16:59:00.002-06:00

Being 75% Greek, there aren't many current events that I get to crow about while wearing my ethnic bobbly shoes. 2004 was a good year (winning the UEFA European Football Championship and the Olympic Games coming home), but since then, nothing... until now, a third of the way through 2009, when something appeared on British telly that really made me proud.
(Skip forward one minute to avoid the preamble)

Clip from last week's Britain's Got Talent

RIP Clement

2009-04-17T11:21:00.003-06:00

As a child, I first saw Clement Freud on the telly selling dog food. That’s what I always identified him with until I heard him on Radio 4’s Just A Minute. RIP #1 Grumpy Old Man and owner of the most morose voice in Britain. He was also incredibly funny.

A Clement Freud joke:
A woman told her husband that if he ever came home drunk again then she would leave him. That night he went out to a pub, drank a lot and threw up all over himself.
“What am I going to do?” he asked his friend “If I turn up like this my wife’s going to leave me.”
“This is what you do”, said his friend, “Put a £20 note in your pocket and tell your wife that someone else threw up on you and gave you the money to dry clean your jacket.”
That night, as he came through the door he stopped his wife in mid-exclamation and said “No, no, somebody threw up over me and gave me £20 for the cleaning bill.”
She said “But why have you got two £20 notes in your hand?”
“Oh,” said the man, “The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.”

The flying rat analogy

2009-04-17T02:19:00.001-06:00

This clip is a good way of explaining that feeling one gets when having lost a pitch.

Oh-no-nanism

2009-04-16T15:53:00.003-06:00

It's good to see that my Wank For Jesus campaign is finally taking off in Botswana.

See also: P4CM's reaction to my Wank For Jesus campaign

Spotted on Pharyngula

The little boys are at it again

2009-04-16T10:19:00.002-06:00

It's a type of advertising that should be labelled "take them out, put them on the table, and measure" - the car ad version of a pissing up the wall contest. Famously emulating that famous sequence of press ads from several years ago are Audi and BMW, once again.

Spotted on Ffffound

Arab authorities needled by hoax

2009-04-15T04:04:00.004-06:00

I love the daft ingenuity behind what can justifiably be called a word of mouth campaign. The BBC reports that Saudi citizens have fallen for a hoax that has seen old fashioned Singer sewing machines fly off the shelves.
These ancient machines are supposedly coated in a non-existent substance that has several unique properties, including one that would enable it to be used to make nuclear bombs.

Announcing the new Vodafone Airhead Tariff

2009-04-15T02:23:00.004-06:00

If I ruled the world I’d put most of the bankers up against a wall and shoot them. Then I’d deal with world poverty, the AIDS epidemic, and global warming. You, Miss, I will give unlimited access to daytime TV, Facebook, chocolate, and the time to waste with your pointless friends.

Very fast food

2009-04-13T13:02:00.005-06:00

Despite being responsible for one of the worst ads of 2008 (which still sometimes crops up on the telly), some of Specsavers' more recent ones have been weirdly good. 30-second TV ads are a good format for cheap visual gags if married to the right product. This one earned a belly laugh from that most critical viewer, Mrs Chimps.

Merry Chocmas

2009-04-12T14:35:00.001-06:00

When too much effort is just too much

2009-04-09T10:23:00.000-06:00

If one were to be uncharitable, one would remind oneself that Halifax’s group HBOS incurred an £11 billion debt before being rescued by the government. If one were to be uncharitable, one would remind oneself of the job cuts incurred across the barely-functioning banking sector. If one were to be uncharitable, one would wonder why Halifax’s current batch of ads show an unfeasibly large crowd of Halifax employees focused on delivering a solitary five pound note into the sweaty hands of a bewildered customer.
Just sayin’.

Gardening leave

2009-04-07T01:19:00.000-06:00

Thoughtful chaps ought to be pleased that the perennial problem of picking pubic hairs out of their teeth is on the wane now that it’s socially acceptable for women to have their front gardens openly referred to in, of all places, TV advertising.

Wilkinson Sword Quattro for Women by JWT

One of the most wicked marketing campaigns ever

2009-04-05T10:53:00.001-06:00

Ignorance, being poorly informed and an argument from emotion are no excuse. Children are dying because of people like Jenny McCarthy.
Thankfully we in the UK have woken up to the evidence-free scaremongering of the MMR vaccine, despite the occasional air-brained hiccup from mouthy celebs playing the Mummy Card. Our media now realises that the vaccine is safe. We see the inevitable rise in the illnesses that MMR was meant to prevent as herd immunity is lost.
In the USA, Jenny McCarthy plays the Mummy, sorry, Mommy Card to the hilt. As she does so, children go unvaccinated and whatever emotive language she uses, nature resolutely ignores her and people die.
Life’s a bummer like that.
In Cloud Cuckoo Land, the baddies wear black hats and are always vanquished, fluffy bunnies frolic on green fields and children are never sick. This is where McCarthy spends her spare time.
Unfortunately Cloud Cuckoo Land rules do not apply to Planet Earth.
McCarthy is now peddling a new book and because she is An Angry Mom, she is soft-soaped by the media.
Here’s Time giving her the kid glove treatment.
Here’s a scientist’s view of the McCarthy campaign of destruction.
Here are the results of her handiwork.

Cock is flat

2009-04-03T08:55:00.002-06:00

The title is a direct quote from this fascinating article from one of The Guardian blogs which takes advantage of some geeky coding to examine the trend in swearing in that newspaper over the last 10 years. To me, the only surprise is the relatively low frequency of my favourite expletive - "wank". Very disappointing.

Monica Lewinsky's back !!

2009-04-02T10:56:00.003-06:00

I'm going insane, having spent three solid days trying to extract juju magic from TGI. One iota of relief was felt upon receiving this cheery pic by email. Attaboy Obama! Go go go!

Serious politics

2009-03-31T15:29:00.004-06:00

And in yet another outdated post...
An explanation for my huge international readership: David Cameron will most probably be our next Prime Minister. Think an even posher Tony Blair, but without the training.

Readers of one of Sussex's newspapers recently had the opportunity to suggest questions that would be put to the Tory leader by The Argus.

Here are the best ones asked by Sussex's political elite. Remember, this Cameron chap's probably going to run the country soon.

"Who framed Roger Rabbit?"

"Who would win in a fight between a baboon and a badger?"

"In a hypothetical situation, if Gordon Brown was to average 90mph airborne when hit by a Morris Ital starting at junction 22 of the M6, and Nick Clegg was hit at 88mph from J2 of the M6 by a Austin Montego, at which junction of the M6 would:
a.) They meet, and --
b.) A chockie biscuit rise high over the Cadbury's factory?"

"Does he think there'll ever be a boy born that can swim as fast as a shark?"

"Could he deck a horse with one punch?"

"What does swan taste like?"

"What is the biggest leaf?"

More here.

Heard on the only funny bit of the Now Show

Two stories. One caption.

2009-03-31T15:17:00.004-06:00

It's a big knob on a roof.

Unsavoury correlation for which I will probably be shot

2009-03-30T09:57:00.004-06:00

Did Mr Smith do what he had to do because his missus was shopping?

SORRY sorry sorry sorry

Come here to DIE, human worms!

2009-03-30T07:36:00.002-06:00

The mayor of Amity wanted to brush shark attacks under the carpet to protect the local tourist industry, whereas the mayor of Hakodate wants to highlight the impending invasion of alien squids who intend to bomb the shit out of the town. Throw in rampaging robots and you have the perfect tourism video. 'kin weird.
Found on Pharyngula

Must try harder

2009-03-27T01:16:00.001-06:00

I’m not surprised by this new revelation from HR Magazine: 9 out of 10 CVs get binned in the first stage of the recruitment process.
It’s seriously annoying to see so many typos and poor grammar – mostly from twentysomethings with degrees. There really is no excuse: supposedly declining education standards is no reason to make no effort. Can mobile texting, LOL cats and user generated content be to blame? I really don’t care, so long as you can express yourself in writing without sounding like a moron.
I am now more inclined to employ someone who has English as a second language. These people often speak and write the language in a manner that puts my compatriots to shame. They are also more likely to understand the correct use of the word “like”.
If you have to recruit and are overwhelmed by CVs then I’d like to repeat some advice I gave a couple of years ago about the earliest stage of the process. It has never failed me:
Separate the CVs randomly into two roughly equal piles.
Shove pile #1 into the bin.
You wouldn’t want to hire anyone who’s unlucky, would you?

Looking after the crown jewels

2009-03-26T10:42:00.002-06:00

It's a scene that many people see every day but you wouldn't expect it in an ad. Got to love it though.

For
Via

A lesson in cultural stereotype reinforcement

2009-03-25T09:54:00.004-06:00

Borrow yer scissors mate? Eh, eh, eh?

I found this gem of an article during some research into credit crunch behaviours. For some reason it amuses; I can't think why.

Hair cuts hit by the credit crisis
5 February 2009
Liverpool Echo
Hairdressers have become the latest victims of the credit crunch - as more people cut their own locks.
Almost half of Liverpool men who were questioned admitted to cutting their own hair while 30% asked a friend to chop it for them.
The poll also revealed that 28% of Liverpudlians are letting their hair grow long to avoid pricey cuts.
Men aged between 35 and 44 were found most likely to cut their own hair, whereas men aged 16 to 24 prefer to grow their hair long.

Does this mean the return of the Keegan perm? Do gangs of Scouse geezer blokes congregate in each others' houses with their tinnies and scissors for a communal beer and grooming session? More research needed.

‘sup?

2009-03-24T11:19:00.003-06:00

Look, I’m not going to apologise for not posting for a while because this is only a blog, and I’m not Stephen Fry. The trouble is that feeding this beast is a tough call when I don’t stumble across anything interesting (like this unexpected snap from Google Street View’s recent tour of London), or I’m just too damn busy to get riled up for a piss ‘n vinegar rant.
If you’re following my staggering progress on Twitter then you’ll know that today I am mostly amused by a chihuahua and a dwarf.

Ruff sex

2009-03-18T09:16:00.002-06:00

It's the sign of a jaded life that the grammar upsets me more than the picture that's currently in my head.

via

She's not dead yet

2009-03-17T09:35:00.003-06:00

But this is published by the same high-quality stable that vomits out the Daily Star, Daily Express and various porno mags.

To those of you fortunate enough to avoid British tabloids, Jade Goody is a "reality TV star" dying from cancer.

**Edit: notice the issue number...**

Let’s not have an argument

2009-03-16T10:24:00.006-06:00

Greenpeace piss me off. They’re as bad as a religion. Once a dogma is acquired, it is stuck to resolutely and evidence that contradicts that dogma is shouted down or ignored. These are the same luddites whose opposition to GM food would allow the world's poorest to starve because of evidence-free scaremongering.
No offence to Romania, but at least this shitty little campaign is restricted to that country.
What’s so bad about it?
How about saving the planet? The “radiation will mutate you” issue assumes that nuclear technology has remained stagnant for decades and, therefore, we daren’t use it.
There is a significant case to be made for reducing carbon emissions from fossil-fuelled power stations and switching to nuclear energy. These ads effectively kill that argument without even presenting minor details such as, for example, the facts.

Pics via Ads of the World

Let's discuss the international regulation of our banking system

2009-03-16T07:43:00.004-06:00

The question of European Union intervention in the British economy has vexed me over recent days. I’m please that The Sun has seen fit to offer an expert opinion.

Click image for gratuitous enlightenment

Get to it, man

2009-03-13T11:55:00.004-06:00

Sod meerkats and flashmobs, this ad is the dog’s bollocks. It’s so awful, it’s brilliant and has even garnered 1,000 complaints (which I am sceptical about, because of the PR), so it must be good.
A housewife orders her overacting husband to clean the oven, treating him like a baby. There are men who pay good money for that sort of treatment.
Actually, about those complaints… the recession must really be kicking in: one thousand lazy buggers fired first because their declining employers have eyeballed the dead wood and trimmed them. Bereft of their elastic bands and half-hourly wank breaks, these layabouts took umbrage at this wifely ad that pokes at their manhood. And complained.
Tough shit. Get off your arse and clean the oven like a real man, and then crack open a beer with your teeth.

Time for web advertising to give up the ghost

2009-03-11T16:46:00.003-06:00

Quite possibly the worst ad placement of 2009

Spotted

Joygasm: Reanimating Miss Einstein's decapitated head

2009-03-10T07:13:00.003-06:00

Extreme Expressions Of Joy Beyond All Reason, #6.

What Prince Phil said to Her Maj

2009-03-09T16:32:00.006-06:00

Unedited screen print. Look very carefully. Click image to enlarge.

via

Inanities of modern life: the doctors’ surgery

2009-03-09T07:55:00.001-06:00

8 a.m. and I’m at the GP’s. You can only book for appointments on the day you need to see the doctor. My usual tactic is to arrive as the surgery opens and grab an 8.05 appointment before the hordes of desperadoes ringing the surgery claim the early slots.
“Can I help you?”
“Yes. I’d like the earliest possible appointment with any doctor, please.”
“I’m afraid we’re only accepting telephone appointments sir.”
“But I’m right here.”
“Sorry, but we can only make an appointment if you phone us.”
I take five steps back, take out my mobile and ring the surgery.
The receptionist right in front of me picks up the phone.
“Titsup Surgery. How can I help you?”
“Hello. I’d like the earliest possible appointment with any doctor, please.”
“Can you be here by 8.10?”
“Definitely.”
“And what’s your name sir?”
“Mister F N Chimps.”
“And the nature of the appointment?”
“Illness, with a variable probability of death, dependent upon my current blood pressure.”
“Oh, er, OK. So you’ll be here at 8.10?”
“Yes, hold on a minute while I get a pen and write that down.”
I step forward to the receptionist and whisper to her (because she has the phone handset to her ear). “Can I borrow your pen please?” She mouths “OK” and hands me a biro.
“Hello, I have a pen. What time am I supposed to be there again?”
“8.10 Mister Chimps, but you only have a few minutes to get here now.”
“I’ll be there. I’m just writing the time down on my hand so I don’t forget. See you in a minute. Oh, and by the way – thanks for the pen.”
I return the pen.

Aaaah, precious snowflake

2009-03-05T02:29:00.002-07:00

Cute, isn't she?

Why sometimes it's a bad idea to use real people in ads

2009-03-03T13:46:00.003-07:00

Currently spreading ennui around much of the London rail network. Take my word for it: this looks far, far worse as a poster.

Clickage for biggage

Remember when the papers jumped (on) the shark?

2009-03-02T06:42:00.001-07:00

Shame on you if you didn’t suss that the infamous shark-surfing video was a viral ad. This is a nicely done debunk from Captain Disillusion who runs a stylish YouTube channel for youthful sceptics. You have to skim through a metaphorical antitheist fantasy drama first, but if kids believe that you can hook a giant shark without ending up uni-limbed, then they might also be taken in by stories about sky fairies too.

This one's for the kiddies at bedtime

2009-02-27T07:17:00.005-07:00

Naughty, naughty Beeb. Aunty pulls one of the oldest viral tricks in the book in this ad for Radio 4's sci-fi season.

My friend is invisibler than your friend na na na na na

2009-02-27T03:24:00.004-07:00

My pet fairies are amused by the unashamed presence of two stories in Her Majesty's Daily Telegraph.
Story 1: Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor: 'Many believe Christianity is out of step with society'
Story 2: One in five young children have imaginary friends
Perhaps some adults have no need of imaginary friends.

Leave the country before it’s too late

2009-02-26T08:46:00.002-07:00

Britain in the year 2025. The country is over-run by a new teenage tribe that is both timid and angry (think of slightly peeved hamsters – cute but nasty-tempered little buggers).
Their mothers are church-going cancer-obsessed housewives who spend their days beating away council bin spies from Atlantis.
Their fathers are hard-working white-collar workers who have to dodge the hordes of asylum-seeking gipsy policemen on their way to the office every morning.
These youngsters are the result of an evil new experiment.
Today, the Daily Mail launched a dating website which “it hopes will bring like-minded Daily Mail readers together”.
Britain, be very afraid.

That sound you hear is the dropping of a very loud clanger

2009-02-25T11:00:00.006-07:00

Sometimes it seems that advertising is an idea that escaped from Narnia. Agency says this. Advertiser does that.
Knowing how many failed or wannabe rockers live in agencies, I'll bet Swiftcover's idea to include Iggy Pop in its ads came from their agency MWO. In my limited experience of these things, the insistence upon a particular celeb appearing in an ad usually comes from the client if that celeb happens to be a hot(ish) babe.

The daft idea must have been passed by Swiftcover with half of their collective brain switched off. Hence the rather strained concept of Iggy Pop being chosen "as the face of its advertising because he loves life, not because he is a musician". This was the sorry excuse emerging from that insurance company as it gets hammered for not offering cover to musicians. When I see Iggy I do not think "here's a man who loves life". No, my first thought is "fucked up and possibly deranged rocker who seems reasonably happy".

A rock star in an ad for a service that excludes musicians?

Deliciously stupid.

Ve haf vays of making you tug

2009-02-24T07:47:00.001-07:00

I muchly like this twee ad for German sex toy company Beate Uhse’s new TV channel. If you suffer from the extreme form of pareidolia that causes you to see such images in clouds, puddles and on pieces of toast then maybe you don’t need the service advertised here.
A tag line that says “You’ll see it, your kids won’t” is slightly unfortunate if your grandparents were kept awake at night counting bombs during the Blitz. The company’s founder, you see, used to fly in the Luftwaffe.

Magnopulse’s medicinal magnets make magic money

2009-02-23T09:49:00.006-07:00

Magnopulse, I love you! Even though I do not have ladybits attached (most of the time) I decided to try out their magnetic healing system and – guess what – my fictional ladypains diminished!
It would be medically irresponsible for me to recommend using their Ladycare product beyond its specifications but let’s say that if, hypothetically, a frustrated gentleman were to balance one of these medicinal magnets on his cock whilst watching a webcam of nurses with dildos in a mud bath, then would one attribute the ensuing results as proof that the product works, or that he’s just a dirty bugger?
Well, apart from being a fully qualified nutritionist (i.e. I can tell the difference between a Mars Bar and a banana) I’m no medic and, I guess, neither are 99% of menopausal women, but our gullibility is being tested here. Also, statistically, six out of seven dwarves aren’t Happy and, here’s another fairy tale: Magnopulse products are stuffed with science that’ll solve your lady problems. Even better, this pioneering company has a "powerful coaster" that will spin you a magic web of credulity when you put a glass of water on it.
If you think this is all bullshit, you’ll be pleased to note that my Chimpworks Z-1000 Taurean Stool Detector probably agrees (I have to say probably, otherwise it’ll set off the Big Fuck-off Red Light, which is accompanied by a loud quacking sound, allegedly).
Footnote: a quick Google search for the high priest of Magnopulse, Dr Nyjon Eccles (which at first glance made me think of something naughty you do with cream while wearing pyjamas) leads to this lovely dissection from Quackometer.
Two years later, and the woo continues.

What does that mean, grandad?

2009-02-23T09:48:00.002-07:00

And the Word Of The Day is...

via Boing Boing

Big balls!

2009-02-23T02:37:00.003-07:00

With delicious timing, LBC's deranged supermum Jeni Barnett's anti-vaccination rant was swiftly followed by the public death throes of Andrew Wakefield's deluded claim that the MMR jabs were dangerous. What the world really needs now, in order to nail the destructive claims from such dangerous idiots, is some pro-vaccine advertising. First strike goes to Canada.

via Respectful Insolence

Freeeeeeeeakz!!

2009-02-20T06:27:00.002-07:00

Something's in the water up in sunny Hull.

via

For the hell of it

2009-02-18T15:05:00.003-07:00

via

Car needs cleaning

2009-02-18T11:01:00.001-07:00

Click pic for visual engorgement

Found on the richness that is the b3ta links board.

Bothered? Not a lot

2009-02-17T08:16:00.004-07:00

A tip of the hat to magician Paul Daniels and his missus Debbie McGee for spoofing themselves and the Beckhams seemingly just for the hell of it. Are they promoting a TV show? Who cares?
Here they are again in one of a series of four Heineken ads that ran in 2001.

It works, holistically

2009-02-17T07:37:00.006-07:00

The Chimpworks Z-1000 contains at least 98% science

The Chimpworks Z-1000 Taurean Stool Detector is uniquely engineered to make full use of the q-zone crystal quantum z-rays that are at the heart of its homeopathically-advised dodecahedron-shaped water molecule engine. The Chimpworks Z-1000 officially contains no less than 98% science.
Tired of food interfering with your aura? Six thousand monkey nutritionists have (with the help of the Chimpworks Z-1000) proven, without the inconvenient burden of evidence, that the Kymatika K-Test (available at all good branches of Superdrug) REALLY WORKS.
Yes! At least 80% of happy punters discovered that just ten minutes spent on a K-Test leaves them, on average, a holistic thirty pounds lighter. Our independent analysis did find that most K-Tests did generate a faint odour of bovine excreta, but this can be countered by carrying any book by Dame Dr Gillian McKeith OBE.
Look! The K-Test has been tested on LBC! 586,000 satisfied listeners successfully endured an interview that consisted of at least 23% coherent English!
There is no evidence that the K-Test is endorsed by LBC’s Jeni Barnett, but my monkey instinct tells me that she’d probably like it. If any sceptical scientists or medical killjoys contradict either me, anyone from Kymatika or anyone who works for LBC, then you are strongly advised to stick a finger in each ear and shout “La la la!” until the feeling of cognitive dissonance passes.

Just in case there were any doubts about my last post

2009-02-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

P4CM's reaction to my Wank For Jesus campaign

2009-02-12T08:53:00.007-07:00

The website p4cm, or Passion For Christ Movement, unintentionally sexualises some suspiciously young-looking God botherers with its range of delusional t-shirts. In so doing, it unleashes a new fundamentalist Christian paradox: If you say you’re an ex-wanker, then you’re a wanker.

Despair felt as Chavspeak hits Oscar idents

2009-02-11T14:49:00.004-07:00

Celebrate with... WHAT !?

Anyone bringing a bottle of Mow-ett to the party will be asked to leave via the tradesmen's entrance.

Thumb a lift

2009-02-10T04:01:00.002-07:00

In situ (spotted on FARK)

FACT! Surgeon!

2009-02-08T15:19:00.005-07:00

"Do not confuse with Sturgeon."

For more examples of stupidification, check out Fuckwitapedia

See also:
FACT! Flood!
FACT! Evolution=Nazis!
FACT! Pianist!!
FACT! Throat!
FACT! Hedgehog!
FACT! Femininity!
FACT! Toronto!
FACT! Religious War!
FACT! Rocks!
FACT! Chuck Norris!
FACT! Fornication!
FACT! Pens!
FACT! Kangaroos!
FACT! The 19th Century!
FACT! Dinosaurs!

Poor Wozza

2009-02-08T10:45:00.004-07:00

It's sad to see TV chefs like Antony Worrall Thompson going to the wall, as reported in today's Telegraph. No, I am genuinely mildly tearful over these little lambs (especially Gordon Ramsay) because I did think that they'd have the chutzpah to ride out the recession. The lifestyle trend of the moment is "staying in is the new going out", or so we're told, which is why Sky subscriptions, dinner parties and DVD rentals are on the up. Cinema takings are up too as visiting the flicks is a relatively cheap night out (as long as you don't buy any junk food, sweets or drink in cinema). I'd have thought that downsizing menus to reduce the number of options (meaning greater economies of scale) would have kept diners coming through the doors. Oh well, you can't be right all the time.
(Note to regular readers: This semi-serious article was written as an excuse to post the following short video of Antony Worrall Thompson making a tit of himself)

See also: Gordon, get out of my f-ing face

Eyebrow skits: why did it take this long?

2009-02-07T07:23:00.002-07:00

I don't recall anyone skitting the awful follow-up to the Cadbury gorilla ad (trucks on a runway zzzzz), which may suggest a correlation between quality advertising and the urge to take the piss out of it.
This is Soccer AM's take (light-hearted TV show on Sky Sports every Saturday morning) on the Cadbury Eyebrows.

Shock as Z-list celeb talks out of arse

2009-02-06T16:34:00.008-07:00

On the grounds that LBC is a commercial radio station that depends on advertising revenues, and on the even more tenuous grounds of this blog being about media monitoring, I present an example of a radio presenter firing off a rant that can physically harm or even kill children. And just in case there is any doubt about where I'm coming from, I am bloody furious.
The benefits of child vaccines are attacked from two sides. One argument is that they can cause autism, a dangerous delusion which has thankfully been blown out of the water. The other argument is that innoculations like MMR are pointless because kids need to be exposed to these illnesses to make them stronger.
The media flurry exists on both sides of the pond. In the USA, Jenny McCarthy campaigns against innoculations. In the UK, we had apparently put this argument to bed and are trying to tidy the mess of the MMR scare ("Health watchdog reports sharp increase in childhood measles").
When my chimplets were due their innoculations my GP explained that the diseases were potentially more dangerous than the unproven risk of the innoculations. With the medical evidence that measles can kill on one hand, and no evidence that MMR causes harm (note: the plural of "anecdote" is not "evidence") on the other, I was under no illusions that the jabs were absolutely necessary.
Jeni Barnett owns one of those daytime TV faces that's bolted to a "personality" of which I had no opinion, until now. This broadcasting drone has seen fit to fire off her anecdote-based opinions against vaccination. What's unexpectedly amusing is that Dr Ben Goldacre (author of one of the best science books I've read in years) decided to post Ms Barnett's rant on his website, and is being hit with legal threats for shining a light on her daft outburst.
There's a strange wind blowing through British celeb media at the moment, with lynch mobs after Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, Carol Thatcher and Jeremy Clarkson for referring or talking to people in an insulting manner. What Barnett has said is far, far worse because of its potential to encourage gullible or ill-informed parents to make a decision that they may well regret later.
Here's a copy of Dr Goldacre's post which has been removed, with the "illegal" sound file. Here's Jeni Barnett's woeful reaction on her blog. And here's #1 science blogger Prof. PZ Myers' take on the stupidfest.
**Edit** Dr Goldacre sets the record straight

Facebook sells me God Sex. Yes, me, the Sex God

2009-02-05T06:23:00.004-07:00

Thanks Facebook, for that little message, but keep your imaginary sky fairies off my homepage. I think that God's got enough on his plate fucking with the Middle East without Him needing to get involved in my bedroom, ta very much. If I need help in that department then I'll just spend a little more time perusing the dairy section of my local Asda. Cheers.

Don't worry. Everything's going to be alright

2009-02-04T08:45:00.004-07:00

Pinch me because I must be dreaming and it’s 2007 again. Remember that feeling of wellbeing you had before you started to worry about the wave of immigrant polar bears stealing your job as they fled the melting ice caps?
This ad is circa today, and with heart-warming confidence omits any mention of emissions or recession-friendly words like “value” or “saving”. And there is no number with a slashed pound-sign on it either. There’s the Teutonically-enigmatic word “efficiency” which has more to do with overtaking oiks on the motorway with minimum fuss than it has to do with saving cash because the engine’s so damn good at extracting the final calorie from every litre of petrol.
So, thank you WCRS for reminding us that, for some, the recession is merely a minor inconvenience that will pass as quickly as that BMW on its way to that posh charity bash for distressed bankers. I feel much better now.

Aw ‘kinell, do I have to?

2009-02-02T14:19:00.007-07:00

Just like there’s always at least one pregnant weather girl on the telly, there is also at least one bloggy meme thing knocking around the admosphere. I thought I’d kept my head down but Jetpacks has caught me out.
Luckily we’ve had, by British standards, a fierce world-ending blizzard today. This means that the country has been neutralised by snowfall, the only time two inches can keep a woman in bed all day.
I did somehow fight my way into Giraffe Towers this morning, seemingly the only bugger on my floor to have bothered, apart from one of my PAs who came in crying. She asked me to console her, so I hit her over the head with my Nintendo DS.
Twas a reasonably quiet day (no phones ringing, thank the gods), so I’ve been able to think about this for at least, oh, six minutes.
To quote Jetpacks, cos I’m too damn lazy to put it into my own words:

During the last round of "Seven Things About Me," the blogger meme where you tell....yes... seven (likely unknown) things about yourself...I opted out when a few of my virtual friends asked me to play along, citing my previous involvement in the game.
I've rethought it and decided to play, but with a twist.
I will reveal seven things about my future self, and then call out a few bloggers to do the same.

So here are 7 things about my future, which is of course, your future:

A new bird flu virus transmitted by grouse devastates the Royal Family leaving me, 327,889th in line to the throne, in charge.

I pull rank at the ASA to ensure that only ads that feature monkeys, ducks or giraffes are passed for public consumption. Let’s face it, the PG Tips chimps were the funniest things on telly, ever.

I finally stop having those terrifying dreams where, decades after graduating, I still have to file one last dissertation.

Somehow I have achieved the impossible: a freshly-cooked Sausage & Egg McMuffin at lunchtime (the laws of physics may have to change to allow this).

At one of those uncomfortable social occasions populated by too many posh people which I always seem to attend in order to please someone else, I surprise everyone by playing the bouzouki. People swoon and make those patronising ethnic statements that I used to enjoy when employing a heavy Greek accent.

I finally get to tell THAT joke about the priest, the pencil sharpener and the cucumber. At a wedding.

My children are genuinely taken aback when they find out that yes, I really do have a spaceship buried under the garden.

Now, the deeply unpleasant bit where I pick some of those ad bloggers who I know occasionally drop into this vastly significant forum, and compel them to pick their future sevens. Yeah well, that’ll teach you to blog. Feed the beast and sometimes it bites back:

Famous Rob. Because the-ad-pit looks exactly the same as it did 4 years ago and yet somehow through astute web diplomacy and smart writing has turned it into one of the blogs to read about the murky world of planning.

Scamp. Well, I ask you. I was reading Scamp before Campaign turned him into the Dark Lord of Blogging for British Creatives. Admittedly, there are no other blogs by UK creatives that have endured for so long and evolved to the point where many blog posts can hit 100 comments. Unlike those Johnny-come-latelys who read Scamp now, some of us remember him as a cheeky puppy. Now he’s all grown up, like, and doesn’t play in the junior playground any more.

Doug. Or Hector. WTF? Graeme has swallowed an html coding book, defected to Wordpress and created a swanky blog totally in line with the look of his swanky employer.

Amelia. Because she has publicly admitted on her blog that she wants to find something to do after recovering from an operation.

Charles. Because he regularly comments on my other blog, which I don’t update as often as I should, and has an unreasonably interesting life as reported in Punk Planning.

The Kaiser. Or Sacrum. Or is it Marcus? Because he’s fucking mad. And brilliant.

I’s gonna add some more but bejeesus is that the time? 24’s about to start! Out!

Look out for this evil man

2009-02-02T04:45:00.003-07:00

Very serious US news bulletin that has to get a mention here. Commit the suspect's likeness to your memory immediately.

What happens when the BBC switches on a webcam when it snows

2009-02-02T04:21:00.003-07:00

via

"I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather..."

2009-01-30T10:16:00.003-07:00

"Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

Joke nicked from Bob Monkhouse.

Cartoon nicked from Private Eye, and the best reaction to the Atheist Bus Campaign I've seen.

No news today; let's make some more shit up

2009-01-30T03:26:00.002-07:00

More quality from Planet Murdoch.

**Edit** Top marks to The Guardian for not taking the same story seriously. (via New Humanist)

Bart fires one off for Scientology

2009-01-30T02:35:00.005-07:00

Spam phone calls are still a problem on landlines, which is a pity cos I hate using my mobile. Several years down the line I still haven't mastered the bloody thing. I'm getting some alarming cold calls from someone on my mobile, without fail, same time every bloody day, and then every ten minutes till I turn the damn thing off. Who is this bastard called Snooze who keeps pestering me, and who does he work for?
Another bunch of annoying fuckers are outed in this post. It reveals how the person behind the voice of Bart Simpson is using the cartoon to plug Scientology over the phone. Link inludes audio evidence. As my German friend would say: "Ein bunch of arse!"

This really doesn't happen to geeks

2009-01-27T10:40:00.002-07:00

This annoying chappy is as face-punchable as any other bloke who thinks his car is a penis extension. Except he's not a petrolhead but a computer geek. Sorry, but Lenovo lost me at "dude".

via Illegal Advertising

Your famed intelligence is nothing more than the Fart Of God

2009-01-26T08:45:00.002-07:00

Professor Richard Dawkins is a prominent supporter and promoter of the atheist bus campaign currently running in London. I was reminded of this hysterical clip snipped from a short TV series broadcast on UK telly last year. In it, the good Prof. reads some of his hate mail.

Mr Sanderson's expression is due to
	constipation
	imminent dribbling
	a generous person hiding under the table

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